25. Don’t Be a Hero
Not a nurse or doctor. However, my old man told me a story about when he was in high school. He and a mate were monkeying around at the school gym and decided to, in an effort to impress girls, see who could climb the walls of the gym and get to the roof. He fell and broke his left collarbone.
Anyway, doctor says “no physical activity, no soccer at all.” However, there was a game on the weekend. He decided the team needed him. He played. He broke his right collarbone. And then his mother whipped him for good measure before taking him to the doctor.
Well done, old man. Well done.
midjourney
24. A Screwy Situation
Surgical nurse here. Had a patient return to the OR who had some hardware (plates and screws) put in their elbow for a fracture.
The hardware was causing them discomfort, so instead of talking to her surgeon…they decided to try and remove one of the screws with a knife and screwdriver!
I got the case for the wound clean up and replacement of said exposed screw. One of the strangest ones I’ve had yet.
iStock
23. Rollercoasters Are Not Your Friend When You Have an Eye Issue
I saw this young guy in the ER once who had gotten into a drunken brawl with some guys at a bar. When he woke up the next morning, he started getting some vision changes. He said that it was like a “black sheet coming down” on his left eye. This is a textbook symptom for retinal detachment. Picture an incredibly thin, delicate membrane on the back of the eye, slowly peeling off because of trauma. It’s an emergency in ophthalmology because if it fully detaches, you get permanent vision loss.
You basically need to immediately go for surgical repair, and then be extremely careful with that eye for weeks afterward. You even have to keep your head down most of the time for the next couple days to help the re-attachment process take.
So, naturally this guy goes and rides roller coasters all day at the local theme park with his buddies. He first presented to our ER two days later with permanent vision loss in that eye. Six Flags was not worth it, poor guy.
midjourney
22. Leave The Catheter Alone, Sir
Male patient was in for dehydration and other very routine issues. He had an indwelling catheter placed. Now an odd thing about some men is that they cannot wrap their minds around not standing up to pee. So even though he couldn’t feel any urge to urinate, he stood up to pee. Felt the catheter, forgot why it was there, and promptly ripped it out. Now he’s incontinent.
Another patient was in recovering from surgery, I think it was knee/ankle. Something that required she use a walker while recovering. She decided not to do that and “test her leg.” She fell onto the tile floor and broke her hip.
midjourney
21. The Sign Says NO SMOKING!
My wife (nurse) has seen on more than one occasion, a person on oxygen for emphysema blow themselves up with a cigarette.
She said sometimes it’s funny — like Wile E Coyote funny. They’re not injured, but sometimes the injuries are quite severe.
cbsnews
20. LAY OFF THE HOT DOGS!
I WAS a nurse for 20 years, but this is a story about my husband. The man has a very high pain tolerance and is always hungry, so one day when I met him for lunch. I was worried when he wouldn’t eat and said his lower abdomen hurt.
I talked to a doctor friend and husband was sent for an immediate CT scan. Husband was sent home to wait for the results. So….being him….felt better and ate two chili dogs with Fritos.
Of course, when the doc called and told him to get to the hospital NOW because his appendix was about to rupture, husband had to be kept in a holding pattern for 12 hours because he’d eaten a big meal. I may have shouted at husband a little bit that day.
iStock
19. Demons and Crystals…What?
I have a patient with autism who’s mum tells him she can heal him with crystals. She also says he has a demon inside him. Whenever the demon tries to visit him, it’s messed him up so much he makes himself vomit so the demon leaves. It’s super effective.
Also — to patients who let their dogs lick wounds/leg ulcers because they think it’ll make it heal quicker…it does not.
iStock
18. Please…Don’t Be a Dentist at Home
I used to work at an oral surgeon’s office.
A patient came in needing a tooth pulled. Because the root was near the jaw, they needed to remove it under anesthesia.
The patient did NOT want to pay for the anesthesia ($350), so he decided to try and take it out on his own. The pliers he used ended up breaking his jaw. We had to go and fix his jaw and wire his mouth shut.
Ended up costing him $9,000 instead of $500.
Anna Shvets/Pexels
17. A Contact Lens Nightmare
Patient here. I got an itch in my eye one night and figured my contact had dried out. I went to remove it, but the damn thing was stuck on my eye! So I started pinching, hard, trying to get it off, and then my vision went all wacky and my eye started to really hurt.
Gave up and went to the ER cause I couldn’t see. Turns out my contact had fallen out before the whole process started, and I’d been scratching the s*** out of my eyeball. Had to wear an eye patch and put in some very unpleasant drops for a week or two.
iStock
16. A Deadly Wild Snake
My fiancé’s mother is a nurse, and told us that a man came in once with a tiny garter snake up his urethra! It had been there for weeks before he came in because he was too embarrassed to admit he let the snake go exploring on purpose before it got stuck.
The snake died inside of him, so he promptly died of septicemia.
iStock
15. Watch What You Eat Right After Surgery
Not a doctor or a nurse. Just the niece of a man that, after having a surgery performed on his gut and being told not to eat anything for the next 24 hours, decided to get chili cheese fries at Wendy’s on his way home from the hospital. He went right back to the hospital and his condition worsened.
iStock
14. Over The Counter Experiment Gone Wrong
Not a doctor, but I had a stress fracture in my foot that had to be surgically corrected. I was given a 60 day supply of Vicodin, but my now ex-husband was a recovering alcoholic who had me convinced that I was going to become horribly addicted if I took them for more than a couple days. So I began taking Aleve because it was stronger than Tylenol, and I only had to take one a day.
My foot was very slow to heal. Like a couple months go by instead of the usual 6 weeks. I had to get a C-T scan, and I was very worried because this small little fracture just wasn’t healing.
My doctor asked what I was doing for pain, and I told him about the Aleve. Turns out NSAIDs interfere with bone healing. I cut out the Aleve, and my foot healed a few weeks later.
iStock
13. New-Age Gobbledygook?
Nurse here. The condition was not worsened by the patient himself, but his choice of life partner certainly did not help.
Patient was utterly ravaged by advanced cancer. Several doctors have told him and his wife that his condition is terminal. Patient seemed to understand when he was lucid. Wife said she understood as well. He was in hospice for comfort. One night, he had trouble breathing (as the dying tend to do). Wife called 911 against patient’s wishes. Thus began a three-week pointless and painful painful ordeal that involved life support, dialysis, at least one round of CPR (on a man who’s bones were riddled with metastasis) and diarrhea.
Wife was adamant that he will get better through holistic medicine. On top of being in denial, she was dumber than dirt. She filled the intensive care room with all sorts of new age tchotchkes like inspirational pictures and rocks. She even refused pain medicine because it would, like, dim his chakras.
Wife left a crystal geode on the bed. Crystal worked its way underneath patient’s hip. Patient developed a raging bed sore that never closed, was nearly always soaked in feces and was a b****to dress. On a patient who wanted to pass away and was in already excruciating pain.
This was years ago. Still, I can honestly say I hate that woman.
iStock
12. A Close Call
If my doctor was here, they’d talk about this story involving myself. I put up with appendicitis for 5/6 days before going to a doctor. I couldn’t eat or sleep, was in constant pain, vomited multiple times an hour. But, I just thought I was ill and will be fine in a couple of days.
Long story short, I went into cardiac arrest as it exploded mid-surgery. I shouldn’t have even been operated on, but a slot opened up. If not for that, I would of died in my hospital bed. So yeah…pretty much nearly killed myself cause I thought I’d be fine. I had to spend a week in the hospital for a routine operation.
midjourney
11. Green is a Triggering Color For Some
Woman came in the OR to get her foot amputated.
She got into the OR and canceled the procedure because the walls were green…
iStock
10. An Unpleasant Surprise…To Say The Least
Homeless man came in the ER with a small cut on his scalp.
The doctor stitched it up, but he went back to sleeping in the gutter. Never came back for his check up a week later.
Six months later he showed up with an entire colony of maggots living under his scalp.
iStock
9. A Vice Too Far
Grandma was in hospital for heart surgery, sharing a room with a guy who was waiting for a lung transplant. Guy is out on the balcony having “just one last cigarette” when he was supposed to have quit months ago.
Transplant surgeon comes in, sees guy smoking on the balcony, doesn’t speak to him, but leaves — takes him off the transplant list, and kicks him out of the hospital.
istock
8. Your Heart Was in The Right Place at the Wrong Time!
Neither a nurse or a doctor, but this is about my grandfather. He had to have one of his knees replaced being in his upper ’80’s and all, but was in great health otherwise. When they did the surgery, there was an issue of him not having enough blood to circulate. As such, he needed several transfusions.
The doctors weren’t really sure why this was happening.
It turns out, he and my grandma had gone a couple days before to donate blood!
istock
7. A Real Boneheaded Move
I’m an ICU nurse. Took care of an 18-year-old who got into a fight with his mom about not letting him borrow the car that night. He got so mad he rammed his head into a wall, giving himself a brain bleed.
He woke up out of surgery and his mom had to prompt him to acknowledge the neurosurgeon who saved his life. All he said was “appreciate it.” I caught him taking pictures throwing up gang signs in his craniotomy cap.
Just so dumb.
midjourney
6. So THIS is What Lyme Disease Is…
I’m a nurse, and this is a story about my idiot self. Last summer I picked a tick off of my belly and rubbed some alcohol on it. I then went on with my life. Over the next few weeks, I had a consistent red circle where the bite had been. However, I had been in the sun so I didn’t think anything of it.
After about a month, I started having a terrible stiff neck and ear pain daily — which I just kept brushing off to ‘sleeping wrong.’
I ran a 10 mile race and woke up the next day exhausted, aching, fever. Again, thought I just pushed myself too far. 24 hours later, and I saw circular red rashes on my joints. I show one of the docs I work with. He asks me how long I’ve had Lyme disease for…
(jw168679)
midjourney
5. This Juice is Still Bad For You!
Had a guy come in for having an allergic reaction to a national brand fruit juice. We told him to stay away from the brand to avoid anaphylaxis.
He came in the following week for anaphylaxis because he drank a different type of the same branded juice.
4. Skateboarding Can Be Bad
Stupid person…not doctor
Broke my arm skateboarding, went to doctor, and got a temporarily arm sling/splint thing put on. Went skateboarding the next day and fell on it again. I quit after that day.
After the cast was on, I went wakeboarding with it, snow boarding, and didn’t want to be left out of boxing with my friends.
Got tired of fighting one-armed, so I threw the hardest uppercut with my broken arm which had a cast. I don’t remember what happened, but I felt the most pain in my life for a split second and woke up on the ground. Friends say when the uppercut landed, my legs buckled and I passed out. Probably did so much more damage to my arm.
(pm_me_jk)
isabella mendes/pexels
3. It’s a Movie For a Reason…
I work in an operating room. We had a patient try and put his dislocated shoulder back in place by having his buddy pull his arm while slamming back into a door frame. We fixed his broken scapula with plates and screws.
His reason….. Vin Diesel did it in Riddick.
2. Lay Off The Pickles, Please!
I had this patient with congestive heart failure. Basically, for a whole bunch of reasons you’re not supposed to eat salt with CHF. One of the side effects of the condition and too much salt is fluid retention. He was this nice old Pennsylvania Dutch guy. I was his nurse when he was in for a CHF exacerbation. He was on our unit for 8 or 10 days strengthening and removing excess fluid. All he could talk about was eating deli pickles.
We were trying to tell him it’s bad for his health, and he insists on having some to only have enough to get a taste. We release him. He goes home and eats something like 4-6 whole deli pickles. For those who haven’t had one, they’re full sized cucumbers.
He was right back on the cardiac unit within 48 hours blown up like a balloon.
iStock
1. Don’t Play With Chain Saws!
Had a patient come in and had accidentally stuck a chain saw in his leg the day before.
He managed to cut the fibula I think, and partially cut the tibia. He put some gas on it and wrapped it in duck tape and kept working. The next day, he steps off something and it snaps the rest of the way through.
Came in the front door with his leg flopping/ bending where it shouldn’t be. And to top it off, he rated his pain at 6/10. Tough old man. We admitted him to ortho to clean out the gas and necrotic flesh.
iStock
Some of the Craziest Stories in the Courtroom Told by Lawyers and Clients
40. Age Has Its Advantages
As a young attorney, I had started a claim that an insurance company was dragging out a case in bad faith. This was in hopes that my elderly client would die before they had to pay him. I was requesting that the trial date be given priority due to my client’s advanced age. The judge was no spring chicken himself, and seemed skeptical when he asked exactly how old my client was. He was maybe thinking that my client was in his 70’s — and must merely seem ancient to a baby lawyer like me.
When I responded that my client was 92, and the case has already gone on for 5 years, the judge was visibly shocked. He immediately granted my motion for priority, shutting down the insurance company’s attorney’s attempt to respond. They wrote us a check for a million dollars the next week.
midjourney
39. “Judge, Case-In Point…”
I was on the losing end of this one. I was representing a pro bono defendant who was attempting to regain custody of her children. The Family Division attorney was laying out his case to the judge for why my client wasn’t ready, and his final point was that my client had refused emotional counseling to avoid violent fits of rage that she had inflicted on her children.
On cue, my client jumps up screaming: “F*** YOU JUDGE LADY! YOU A STUPID C****! F*** Y’ALL FOR TAKING MY F****** KIDS YOU F****** C****!”
I just caught the opposing attorney’s smirk of satisfaction as I got up to usher my client out of the courtroom.
midjourney
38. Simple Yet Effective
I was prosecuting some kid. He had an ‘anti-social behavior order’, which meant that he was not supposed to go to a certain street. He had pleaded not guilty on the basis that he had not been there.
I opened my cross-examination by holding up a map and pointing at the street. I said to him “You went here, didn’t you?”. He said “Yes”.
In England, we don’t say “I rest my case”. Instead, I looked up at the bench, said “no further questions…” and sat down.
It might not seem cool, but I got the defendant to admit the offence with one question. That never happens!
David McElwee/Pexels
37. Just Like How Joe Pesci Would’ve Done It!
Opposing counsel decided that I had coached my witness and gave him lines to repeat. They assumed that he was lying. Short version is that he asked the witness if he spoke to me before he testified. Witness said he had. Attorney looked like he thought he had me.
Attorney asked the witness what I told him, what instructions I gave him. Witness looked him dead in the eye and said, “First thing he told me was to tell the truth no matter what. He said the lawyer is never the one who goes to jail, that he isn’t going to jail for me, and if I lie, I’m on my own.”
Attorney looked like someone took the air out of him. Everyone in the courtroom simultaneously looked at me. Only time I’ve smirked or laughed in court. I wanted to put my feet up on the table like I was Vincent LaGuardia Gambini, hands behind my head, and say, “I’m done with this guy!”
moviestillsdb
36. When Did It Become Reading Time in the Courtroom?
Not a ‘case winning’ moment, but a ‘motion winning’ one for sure (think of cases like a big conflict — with motion hearings as little conflicts).
Opposing attorney was insisting that ‘Rule A’ meant they could do X. I tried, multiple times, to point out ‘Rule A’ literally did not say that.
During the hearing, the judge reached behind them, grabbed their ‘Rules of Civil Procedure’ (basically a dictionary of rules), placed it in front of the other attorney, and said “Show me where Rule A says X”.
Other attorney did not take the hint, read rules out loud for a brutal five minutes. I then gave the book back. I said “Judge I have nothing to add.” It was pretty fun.
Zachary Carroway/Pexels
35. Caught in the Act!
This involved my wife (not me) — and it was during sentencing.
“Mr. Defendant (local gang boss), you stated you are not and have never been in a gang.”
“That’s correct.”
“Do you have any tattoos?”
“Yeah, I have a tiger on my calf and one on my chest that says GD 4 Life?”
“What does GD stand for?
“Gangster Disciples. . . but, I mean. . . .”
“No further questions, you honor.”
(elee0288)
midjourney
34. The Clothes Say It All
Complaining witness accused my client of harassment/stalking. Said she told him numerous times that she wanted nothing to do with him. My client claimed they were dating, but whenever she got mad at him, she’d call the police and say he was harassing her.
On the stand, she testified that she’d never dated him, never invited him into her home, wanted nothing to do with him. She presented a photo on her phone of him sitting on her porch to prove that he had come to her property.
I asked the judge permission to look at the photos before and after the porch photo for context.
Girl had dozens of photos of the guy, who was clearly her boyfriend. I showed her one such picture:
This is Mr. So-and-so, right? (yes)
In this photo, he’s on a bed? (yes)
The bed is yours? (yes)
The bed is in your bedroom? (yes)
You took this photo of him? (yes)
He’s smiling in the photo? (yes)
And in this photo, he’s wearing your brassiere? (yes)
No further questions, your honor.
midjourney
33. Hit By The Long Arm of the Law
My sister got t-boned by a car. It caused a concussion when I was younger. Long story short, we were in court with the judge. He asked the driver if he had ever sped before.
“No, your honor, I never speed.” This was his reply.
The judge asked him a couple more times if he was sure. The driver was adamant that he never sped, and never had before.
A few minutes later, my sister’s lawyer gave the judge some paperwork. She read it, and said to the driver, “It seems that you have some past driving violations. Can you tell me what they are for?”
“………… speeding…”
The driver had to pay the medical bills for my sister.
gustavo fring/pexels
32. Sir…I Don’t Think That’s Legal
A man, led in by the sheriffs in cuffs and shackles, was charged with possession of a controlled substance and manufacturing (which in that state is unspecified). He could have been selling or growing/producing. He started speaking with the judge directly. His case was going well for him. Seemed like he would get a light sentence if he got anything more than probation.
The judge told him that he understands life gets hard and people make mistakes. He (judge) said that the defendant seemed like a good kid — and would do better in life now that he knows the consequences he could have faced. I’m not sure if the case was dropped or what the sentence was, but the guy said thank you. He then proceeded to pulled out a joint and light it right there. Smoking weed in a courtroom. In jail rags and chains. I don’t know where he could have gotten it, but it’s safe to say his light sentence got much heavier.
wsdidin/pexels
31. A Rasta Win!
I was in court as an witness. In an unrelated case to mine, a large bank had a huge team of expensive lawyers. This is the UK — so gowns and wigs, lots of pomp and self-importance. The bank was trying to take possession of a small farm owned by a gentleman who decided to defend himself. Not really relevant, but the gentleman was a Rastafarian — and the smell of marijuana was noticeable even from where I was sitting.
Anyway, the lawyers (at that time probably getting $2,000 a day each) sounded like they had flicked through the papers that morning. However, the guy had prepared brilliantly. Although he faltered a bit, he made compelling points.
The Rastaman won.
PS: He also presented police documents proving that no illegal plants were growing on his farm!
midjourney
30. What…Exactly is Going On Here?
When I first started, I was doing domestic abuse cases. I was presenting a woman suing her husband for divorce and child custody. Her husband could not keep a lawyer losing two out of two pretrial hearings.
During the trial, he asked for delay to get a new lawyer — but the judge said no. He then called himself to the stand. He asked a question to himself, ran up to the witness box and answered it, then rushed back and asked himself another question. For twenty minutes this continued.
(tink2013)
midjourney
29. What Kind of Lawyer Are You?
I’m not a lawyer, but I was defending myself against a debt collector for a debt. The case was so old, I could not even remember for sure that it was mine.
Me to the debt collector: Can you provide the actual contract bearing my signature along with a chain of title to the debt?
Debt collector’s lawyer: Crickets…
I look at the judge.
Judge to lawyer: Well can you?
Debt collector’s lawyer while looking through paperwork: Um…Well… No, not at this time Your Honor.
Judge: Case dismissed.
(Note: To prove that a debt collector owns your debt, they must prove how it came to own it. Often, old debts are sold and resold over and over again to a number of subsequent debt buyers. When this happens, the debt collector must prove each and every assignment by showing a “chain of title” reaching all the way back in history to the original creditor. More often than not, for old debts, it is impossible for the collector to show this.)
Sora Shimanski/Pexels
28. My Client Wasn’t Exactly Behind Honest
I was on the losing end. Represented a guy who had bought a company and the company failed spectacularly within months due to a number of reasons I could attribute to the seller. They had clearly lied about the company’s finances to induce him to buy. I was suing to rescind the deal, have your s***** company back, and give my guy his money back. I laid out my huge case and thought I had it in the bag, and then opposing counsel asked my guy:
“Isn’t it true that you listed this business for sale a month ago?”
“Yes.”
“And you did sell it correct? You signed a purchase and sale?”
“Yes, but he never finished paying me, he has more payments to make. I’ll just give his money back when you guys give me my money back.”
My idiot client had me suing over a company that he had legally sold. F***** never told me. Game over on the spot.
midjourney
27. Here’s a Neat Trick
Not a lawyer, but this is my favorite story in traffic court.
I got a ticket for going 75 mph on I-88 (Near Chicago).
The officer wrote on the ticket I was going 88 mph on I-75. (Detroit south to Miami, not near Chicago).
I show up wearing a suit, because I have one suit, and I may as well wear it.
Judge calls on me asking me if I’m a lawyer. I say I am not, but I get to go first because I’m the only one in a suit.
Judge looks at the ticket, says “You were going 88 on I-75? Officer X, what does this ticket say? Isn’t I-75 out of our jurisdiction?”
At this point I open my mouth and shut it — because I have the right to remain silent. I may as well show the ability to be silent as well.
Officer says “Your honor, at my age I have no idea what I wrote.”
Judge gives him a look, and throws my license back at me, in the plastic bag, says “You are free to go.”
Always wear a suit to traffic court.
(deleted)
lukas/pexels
26. Gang Affiliation
I was in a gang related jury trial for attempted murder. Defendant was a known Crip, and the victim was a Blood. Against his attorney’s advice, the defendant testified. Defendant had a tattoo on his arm that said “BK”. I asked him what “BK” meant and he replied with “Blood Killer”.
I was shocked he said what it actually meant, but in retrospect, I guess I shouldn’t have been since he actually decided to testify.
midjourney
25. Read The Fine Print
Several years ago, there was a big drug bust in my town where the cops arrested about a dozen people in this garage. The police charged them with manufacture/delivery/possession with intent to deliver a controlled substance (drug dealing), conspiracy, and criminal organization (known as RICO in other places). I was appointed to represent one of the people found in the building when the drug task force raided the place.
The police filed an eight page affidavit of probable cause (most are one to two pages for most other cases) detailing their surveillance of this criminal enterprise and the comings and goings of various participants and their roles in the enterprise. I read all eight pages and realized that the only place my client’s name appeared was on page seven, where it said “The following individuals were present at the garage when the warrant was executed: Person 1, Person 2, Person 3….” So he was there the day the drug task force raided the place — but there was no mention of his involvement in the criminal enterprise.
His bail was set at $250,000 (which is ridiculously high. The District Attorney refused to agree to a lower amount at his preliminary hearing. I filed a motion for bail reduction and showed up at the hearing. The DA calls the case, I approach the front, and the Judge jumps right in before I could even open my mouth (usually counsel makes their arguments first, the judge asks any questions of us he has, then he makes his decision). The Judge looks directly at me and says he’s read the affidavit of probable cause. He says what is alleged in there is pretty serious, and a big deal in our small town.
He noted how the task force had the place under surveillance for weeks to build their case, which ultimately resulted in their raid. If the allegations can be proven, the defendants are facing some serious consequences….BUT he says, now turning to face the DA, he saw that my client’s name appeared ONLY ONCE in the ENTIRE affidavit, and it makes no mention of his involvement in the drug enterprise.
The Judge asks the DA, “Why shouldn’t I grant defense’s motion for bail reduction?”
The DA stammers “Uh uh uh we have uh evidence that this defendant was uh involved with picking up the material from Philadelphia and transporting it here.”
The Judge looks at her again and says, “Did I miss that in the affidavit?” She replies no, they just recently found that out. The Judge turns to me and asks me if I have anything to add. There I was, fully prepared to make this passionate argument for why my client’s bail should be reduced: The deficiencies in the affidavit, my client’s advanced age, his lack of a criminal record in the past 20 years, etc. I stood there trying my best not to smirk and said “I have nothing to add, your Honor”.
Motion granted, bail reduced.
(xLiquidx)
Andrea Piaquadio/Pexels
24. Solving The Case Yourself = Jail Time, Buddy!
Pro bono case. I was representing a woman who was trying to get a permanent protective order against her boyfriend.
I ask her if he has contacted her since the temporary order was issued (which is a crime).
She says yes, he called her three times.
Defendant: “Objection, your honor!”
Judge: “State the grounds for your objection, please.”
Defendant: “The facts! I only called her once!”
I close my file and sit down.
(prolyde)
midjourney
23. Gotcha!
I had a family trial where the other party (the mother) had refused my client access to his kids for years. She just generally lied about everything. I can’t remember the exact details, but I know I caught her in a stupid lie about when she got pregnant by showing that the date of conception is not the day they count from to determine how far along the pregnancy is. She was going on about how terrified she was of my client. My favorite part was when I presented her with his phone bill — showing how she called him like 70 times over a few days during the period in which she had just explained she was in serious fear of him.
Stuff like that doesn’t happen very often because we have a discovery process, and I had provided the phone bill to her lawyer ages before. In essence, she should have known it was coming, but I think it was a combination of a crazy client who can’t stop herself from lying and a legal aid lawyer who had half a foot into retirement and just didn’t care anymore. Most of court is pretty boring, there are rarely the ‘gotcha!’ moments you see on tv.
Actually, it drives me crazy when lawyers on tv get that moment and then say “No further questions.” Yes! There are further questions! Catching someone in a lie does totally make your case…there are tons of other questions!
(amgirl11)
Alex Green/Pexels
22. Double-Dipping: Wedding Style
Was waiting with now ex-wife in divorce court. Ours was mostly mutual, so it was somewhat painless.
The couple before us was an older divorced couple arguing over back child support.
HER: “He has not paid me in 3 months. I gave him an extension but still nothing.”
HIM: “I don’t have any money right now, times are tough. I’m trying the best I can.”
HER: “You honor, ask him where he was 2 weeks ago?”
JUDGE: “Where were you 2 weeks ago”
HIM: “I went to Florida and got remarried on the beach.”
Bailiff: “CLICK. CLICK”. {The guy was hauled away in cuffs}.
(deleted)
midjourney
21. Karma is a B!
So I typically do Plaintiffs work for corporations. However, one of my clients was getting sued by a former contractor for work allegedly performed right before he was fired in the amount of $150k. I had never dealt with opposing counsel. She was about my age (32) and seemed nice heading up to trial.
The day of our pretrial (just five days before trial) she tells me in the elevator, “I hope you know I’m going to kick your a** in trial.” I laughed and she said, “No really, you are screwed.”
Trial comes, and she drags out her case over five days. I start to get the impression her client made up the invoices with her help. She finally rests her case and I called her client as my only witness.
He immediately testified his attorney showed him how to make the invoices. The judge wouldn’t allow them into evidence, she lost her case, and was sanctioned $5k for falsifying evidence. She appealed and the court of appeals ripped into her. Needless to say, I didn’t get my a** kicked.
midjourney
20. Represent Yourself!
Not a lawyer, but I won a traffic court case with no words and just a piece of paper.
I was given a ticket for reckless driving of 100+ mph at 2 a.m. on a Monday night after coming home from work. Problem being, my 4 cylinder Chevy s10 had a governor on the engine that did not allow the car travel more than 87 mph.
I printed specs from Chevy and highlighted the line. Judge smirked and said I could go, but “Slow down, cause something tells me you were still speeding.”
That moment of eye contact with the cop on the way out…priceless.
Kaique Rocha/Pexels
19. Mic Drop!
I’m not a lawyer, but I shut down the courtroom with this one. So I was a witness for the state in prosecuting a DUI case. In this case, I was a medic that did a blood draw. I was to testify about why I did or did not recall if the defendant was intoxicated at the time I found him in police custody.
I didn’t recall a whole lot about the specifics beyond what I wrote in my chart, but I knew for a fact I recalled him being intoxicated. The defense pressed me on why I thought he was drunk. The details I remembered: I had to do multiple sticks because he wouldn’t sit still. He was an impatient punk making snide remarks. The defense kept pressing me on why I thought he was drunk though — that’s not enough according to them.
I talked about how I probably see more drunk people than sober people, how many blood draws I do, the signs and symptoms I’m trained to observe in alcohol intoxication, how this is backed up by often learning their BAC at the ER, so I can correlate behavior with approximate levels of drunkenness. Still, none of that was good enough.
Did I smell alcohol on him? I don’t recall that specifically right now one way or another. Did I give him breathalyzer? No I did not. Did he admit he was drinking? Not to me.
“So why then can you sit there in good faith and tell the jury you’re so confident you remember he was intoxicated when you clearly have no memory of such a thing?!”
I replied with all honesty: “If you really must know, after all that, I went back to the ambulance, looked at my partner and said, ‘Man, that guy was a drunk a******’. So I remember at the time being convinced he was both of those things.”
The defense seemed rather taken aback and had no further questions. I was ushered out of a very quiet courtroom save for a few Snickers from the Jury.
laura tancredi/pexels
18. “I’ll Park Where I Want To!”
Got a parking ticket for parking in an unmetered space. Yes, you read that right. I’d parked in what would normally be a metered space, but the parking meter had been removed, and there was just an empty pole. I tried contesting online and got refused, so I went to court.
The meter guy was called up to testify, and he reported that he’d seen me in the space on such and such a day at such and such a time. Judge asked me if I wanted to cross-examine, I said no. Judge asked me if I had parked there, I said yes. Judge ruled I was guilty, and I asked if I could ask a question, he said yes.
“What ordinance was I cited against?”
Judge asked the meter guy, all he said was that I wasn’t allowed to park there, and that he’d seen me parked there several days in a row for longer than the allowed time in a metered zone. He then decided it was time to cite me. I kept my mouth shut. Judge asked the prosecutor what the ordinance was. He didn’t know. Judge asked the clerk to look it up. They didn’t find one. I knew they wouldn’t because I’d done my research beforehand.
Judge ruled Not Guilty.
He also laughed and told me I was better at keeping my mouth shut when I should than many lawyers he’d seen. (Presumably because had I admitted to parking longer than the allowed time in a metered zone, he could have cited me there for that).
In retrospect, I should have asked the question when the Judge asked if I wanted to cross-examine the meter guy, but it was still a really satisfying outcome.
kevin bunnell/pexels
17. Don’t Discriminate on Height, Please!
I actually saw this exchange in a courtroom:
Judge: “So Miss you’re in here for a … seat cushion violation? Wait is that even a thing?”
Def: “Yes, your honor.”
Judge: “State, is this a thing?”
State: “Yes.”
Judge: “How tall are you Ma’am?”
Def: “About 5-feet tall.”
Judge: “State, are you serious? This is the dumbest case I’ve ever seen. Dismissed.”
(It’s a thing, if you’re below a certain height in Florida you have to have a seat cushion. A 5-foot tall woman should have no issue).
(zerbey)
midjourney
16. Ring, Ring!
When I was around 16 I worked as a test shopper. As such, I’d end up in court sometimes to testify that someone had sold me cigarettes.
There was one time where a man was claiming he had sold me cigarettes because the compliance officers never tried to properly train him as a store owner. The officers told him they tried to call him several times, and he was being incredibly difficult to get a hold of.
The officers even had a ridiculous amount of notes that described all the times they tried to contact him. When they pointed out all this to him, his defense turned into “I don’t own a phone, so it was up to them to try something else to train me.”
With absolutely perfect timing, his phone starting audibly ringing in his pocket the second he finished saying he didn’t own one.
Our side’s lawyer is now a judge, and she still says that was one of the most perfectly timed things that’s ever happened to her.
midjourney
15. Outsmarting Yourself, Buddy
A defendant in a bench trial for a speeding ticket said he couldn’t possibly go as fast as the officer clocked him. He knew this because he videotaped himself accelerating from a full stop to the location of where the officer sat. His experiment showed his vehicle could only get to 55 miles-per-hour and not the 67 miles-per-hour he was clocked at.
The ADA then moved to have another speeding ticket issued because the actual posted speed limit was 50 miles-per-hour.
iStock
14. Dismantling You Bit by Bit
I represented a company that was sued for breach of contract by a former independent contractor. Dude basically alleged that my client wasn’t paying him correctly in accordance with the contract.
During his deposition, dude admits that he never reviewed any documents to make sure his allegations were true, never reviewed his complaint before filing it to make sure the allegations in it were true, and had no idea whether or not my client actually failed to pay him in accordance with the contract.
Basically, he tells me that he was suing my client because he didn’t think their agreement was fair (even though he agreed to the terms when he signed the contract). The kicker is that he admitted that he OWED my client money.
At arbitration, he tries to flip his story and starts giving testimony that is the exact opposite of his deposition, so I whip out his transcript and undermine his testimony bit by bit. Needless to say, I won that case.
(deleted)
iStock/Semen Salivanchuk
13. A Virtual Murder in Court
I was in traffic court one time and saw a lawyer straight-up murder a cop with words. The cop had previously testified that the weather on the night of the traffic stop was heavy rain and winds. It was strong allegedly that the defendant could only open his window three inches. The car had stopped on an area with very little shoulder, forcing the cop to approach from the passenger side and not the driver side. The cop had then testified that he smelled a strong smell of alcohol on the defendant’s breath.
When the defense lawyer got up, he repeated what the cop had said almost verbatim and asked how he could have possibly smelled alcohol on the breath of someone on the other side of the car through a three-inch crack in the window — especially on a night with pouring rain and strong winds.
The cop sort of opened and shut his mouth a few times, squirmed around in his seat, and said “That’s just what I always write in my log, to remind me that it was a DUI stop.”
The judge threw the case out. No motion to dismiss needed. Then he took a break and called the traffic prosecutor and the cop into his office. I’m guessing it wasn’t for a nice spot of tea and some scones.
iStock
12. No Experience…No Problem!
I’m relatively junior so I’m hoping to beat this one day. I defend professionals and brought a motion to dismiss a case on the basis that the plaintiff could not prove my client was negligent as she had not served the required expert evidence.
As opposing counsel and I waited for our motion to be heard, we were sitting in the courtroom. The judge, who I did not know and who had not read our materials, wanted to talk to the parties of a short trial which was to be heard after our motion was argued. That matter was also a professional negligence matter and the plaintiffs had no expert support.
The judge then spent 10 minutes explaining that he had practiced in professional negligence for many years and was well versed in the evidentiary requirements to prove the elements of professional negligence. In fact, he said, “I very rarely use the word impossible in this court room, but it is impossible for you to be successful without expert evidence.”
Our matter was then called and I reveled in explaining to the judge that he was about to hear a motion to dismiss a professional negligence case on the basis that the plaintiff had no expert evidence.
I won.
iStock
11. You Can’t Copy and Paste Your Away Out of Jail!
An IP lawyer was deeply looking at a set of terms and conditions on the company website. Our client’s details (name and contact details) were listed. So, it is very evident that opposition just copy and pasted our client’s legal terms and conditions. They also missed a couple of details they needed to change.
I was handed the matter, did a quick ctrl+F for client details, and it was an open and shut case.
Not really that impressive, but saved me hours of time going through each term one after the other, noting exact similarities for a letter of demand.
iStock
10. Silence Isn’t Golden In This Case
I’m not a lawyer. But, during a particularly nasty employment mediation hearing, I got to ask my former employer a question about payments per employment law:
Me: “Did you or did you not pay into state mandated unemployment insurance fund for all your employees past and present?”
Silence
Mediator: “Sir, answer the question”
Silence
Mediator: “Well, let me ask it…..Did you or did you not pay into state mandated unemployment insurance fund for all your employees past and present?”
Silence
Mediator: ”I’ll take that as a no”
iStock
9. A Sacramento Scene Featuring Earl Warren Jr.
I’m not a lawyer, but the most memorable court scene I witnessed was circa1968 in Sacramento, California. I was waiting to be tried in traffic court (my usual speeding) before Earl Warren Jr. — the son of the great Earl Warren of Supreme Court Fame. The guy before me was being tried for reckless driving.
When it got down to sentencing, Earl Warren Jr. ordered some nominal fine with the stipulation that the defendant attend traffic school. The defendant got all upset and began ranting how he didn’t need to go to traffic school. As the defendant slowed down, Earl Warren Jr. calmly stated:
Well, sir…I cannot make you attend traffic school. I can only issue the order for you to attend. If I find after two weeks you have not attended, I will issue an warrant for your arrest and place you in county jail for 30 days. At the end of which I will renew the order for you to attend traffic school. So we can keep you going in and out of jail, until you decide to attend traffic school.
The guy just grumbled and walked out of court. Don’t know if he did go. I certainly did when I got a similar sentence.
LA Times
8. Don’t Take Advantage Of A Little Old Lady
Terrible people had stolen all of this little old lady’s money. They said it was a gift, but their only evidence was a document in the bad person’s handwriting that was allegedly dictated. It said September 2012. No day, just the month. Clearly, the rogue had forged the note. She clearly found out about the lawsuit and didn’t remember the date when she stole the money. She probably hoped if she could guess within the same month, no one could challenge her. So I’m questioning her about it.
“Exhibit B is the little old lady’s bank record. Now that withdrawal at the bottom, is that the alleged gift?”
“Yes.”
“Can you read the date of that transaction for me?”
“August 25, 2012.”
“Thank you.”
SHVETS production/pexels
7. Cinco de Mayo Snafu!
The case involved a lawsuit against the owner of a Mexican restaurant for not paying his employees and keeping the waiters’ tips. He was just a terrible all-around guy. He created these fake handwritten schedules and payroll records going back years to try and prove that his employees didn’t work but a few hours each week, and were paid for what they did work. It was difficult to prove they were fakes. But we managed to trap him during his deposition.
I made the guy go through random bits of his work schedule and asked him to confirm they were correct. We did a random week in February, March, April…Then we got to May.
“So here in early May, you had two servers working every night, one hostess, one bartender, and two cooks?”
“Yes.”
“And that didn’t fluctuate. You didn’t have a need for extra staff on, say, weekend nights?”
“No. It was very steady no matter the day.”
“What about on this Wednesday? How much staff did you need?”
“Just the two servers, my hostess, the bartender and two cooks. The same as every other night.”
“And if you would indulge me, what date are we looking at?”
“May 5th.”
“Okay. So it’s your testimony under oath that you had the same staffing needs on May the 5th as you did on May 4th and May 6th.”
“Yeah.”
Opposing counsel’s head begins to hang while shaking.
“So you are comfortable telling the judge you didn’t do extra business on May 5th.”
“Yeah. Or June 17th or whatever date you pick. It was always steady.”
“You have no problem walking into court and telling the judge and the jury, under oath, that your Mexican restaurant didn’t need any extra help on May 5th? That these schedules and payroll records you’ve produced are 100% accurate. For Cinco de Mayo? You are totally comfortable with doing that?”
“Yeah, I… Oh.”
The case settled within a week.
larisablinova/istock
6. Telling The Truth Works!
My dad got a traffic ticket for something, had to go to court. Everybody else before him is doing the water works trying to get out of the ticket with crazy stories.
Dad’s turn is up. Judge asked him about the ticket.
Dad just says that “Yes, I did it. I didn’t mean to, but I did.”
Judge just told him to get out of there, or something like that, lol.
(CCtenor)
midjourney
5. Yikes….
My mom is a lawyer. She was representing an African-American woman accused of stealing. My mother is also African-American. This is how the entire case went down in the court room:
Plaintiff lawyer: “Please point out the accused/defendant.”
The officer points at my mom!
Mom: I’m the lawyer, officer.
The judge then proceeds to dismiss the case.
midjourney
4. Don’t Laugh in Court
I represented a poor woman whose husband left her and their child behind. He was of course unemployed. He did not want to pay, and started his plea with how much he loved his child but couldn’t afford anything.
I started to laugh — which was of course bad of me. The guy, his lawyer and the judge stated that it was unprofessional for me to laugh. I luckily came back, presented his rental bill, petrol bill and phone bill — together forming two times his welfare check without his daily bar tab.
“So we can only conclude he has a job, and that he chooses not to pay for his beloved child.”
The judge looked at him, and he couldn’t reply. We finally won with him needing to pay 1.5 times his welfare check to his ex-wife.
Sadly, he fled to North Africa to escape the sentencing.
Michal Chodra/iStock
3. An Unintentional Moment of Hilarity
I was on the jury and it was the witness. They were talking about rail road track maintenance. A red flag is a bad section of a track. A yellow flag is a track section that needs attention.
Lawyer: “Sir, on this sheet there are 9,000 red flags. Your rail road of the same distance and age only has 400. Why is that?”
Witness. “Because I do my job so I don’t have to sit in a court room to defend my self.”
I laughed. Everyone looked at me. The defense did not like that.
iStock
2. Don’t Underestimate a Kid
I’m a divorce attorney. I had a client with a son who, at 9 years old, was testing at college levels.
Mother was always an obstructionist — which included being verbally/emotionally abusive. Refused to allow her kid to take even high school caliber classes (private tutors with just advanced subjects) citing she couldn’t afford it. Husband offered to pay everything. She thought he was saying this to manipulate their kid.
Judge denies advanced placement for the child. The Judge also denies sole custody despite documented emotional abuse (slamming doors in his face, calling him a literal loser for wanting to study, etc).
Fast-forward a few years. Kid gets interviewed by evaluator and says he’d be fine never seeing his mom again. She cries to the court in a hearing that “she couldn’t afford (emotionally or financially) the toll of not being with her son.”
Unbeknownst to me, the son pipes up that he has a picture of his mom’s handwritten invoices from her work showing she’s pulling in 4x the money she tells everyone about.
I literally just stood there and won because some kid had his iPhone glued to his hand.
midjourney
1. An Eerie Tactic
I’m not a lawyer, but worked as a court reporter for a small town paper. I covered a case where a man strangled his wife to death after she was caught cheating. His defense lawyers were arguing for a manslaughter charge, arguing that the crime was done in a “heat of passion.”
The prosecutor, who were seeking first degree murder, stood in silence for two minutes and fifty seconds — the exact amount of time he strangled her.
Prosecutor said, “That’s plenty of time for him to reflect on what he’s doing.”
Everyone in the courtroom knew it was over at that point.
midjourney